Design Corner » Patently Silly

Patently Silly

Cross USB Drive

Fetched: March 31st, 2008, 7:13pm PDT

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Because Jesus saves.

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Religious Lamp with Fluid Flow

Fetched: June 5th, 2007, 10:09pm PDT

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Jesus said in the book of John, "I am the light of the world." Now have him light up your living room!

But of course, a light up Jesus would seem too simple to be patentable. But what if we add a little animatronics? According to the patent, "Jesus' head rises with light actuation." That's right, wake him up right at his most painful moment.

But the spiritual uplift doesn't end there. The inventor threw in some dripping blood pumps for that I-can't-believe-how-much-this-guy-suffered-for-me effect.

Mel Gibson, why hast thou not pursued the merchandising tie-in?

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Method of Using a Water Pipe

Fetched: February 12th, 2007, 11:01pm PST

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I had heard of snorting coke off of a strippers tits, but taking a bong hit out of her vagina?

This "water pipe providing sexual stimulation" seems to be just too depraved to be true. In instances such as this, I find it best to let the patent do the talking:

"The lower end cooperates with the wall of the vagina to form a water reservoir holding water in the lower end and the vagina. A stem is received into the inlet port with an end opening submerged in the water reservoir. Suction applied at the exit port draws air through the stem to bubble through the water reservoir to generate stimulatory vibrations transmitted to the vagina. Optionally, a bowl holding combustible material communicates with the stem such that smoke bubbles through the water reservoir to simultaneously filter and cool the smoke and generate stimulatory vibrations."

I don't doubt that the experience is pleasurable, but pleasurable enough for a woman to allow bong water in her vagina? Perhaps the only thing not surprising about this patent is that it was invented in Vegas. Hopefully, it will stay there.

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Sanitary Security Sock System

Fetched: February 5th, 2007, 8:19pm PST

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We all know the drill: Take off you shoes, put them on the conveyer belt to be X-Rayed and walk through the metal detector. All because of that one stupid m*th#rf!ck%r!

Deep breath. Okay. So what's wrong with this system? The inventor points out:

"With the increase in airport security measures, many recent inventions have focused on improving the accuracy and efficiency of current airport security systems. However, none of these inventions have focused on the health concerns that have surfaced as a result of the implementation of the new security standards."

That's right people, Al Qaeda may not have hijacked any planes since 9/11, but there's a new terrorist threatening our airports—foot fungus. Have seen those advertisments where the little fungus rips up a toenail and walks inside? It sounds messed up, but on a visceral level, I find that image almost as disturbing as the footage of the twin towers.

Diane Ghioto's "one size fits all" sock system picks up where the department of Homeland Security left off—protecting the nation from the ground up.

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Weed Cutting Golf Club

Fetched: January 29th, 2007, 5:35pm PST

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This sly club comes in handy when you've landed in the rough. No need to bogey the hole just because your surrounded by two foot high grass—hack your way to a clear shot!

But inventors John Buell and Troy Nowell see their gas-powered weed whacking wood as more than the latest must-have golf accessory: It's humble small contribution towards world peace. It is "a weed cutting golf club for relief of stress" that can "lighten the mood and decrease stress levels in order to provide a more relaxing and enjoyable atmosphere." Rev up and chill out.

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Retractable Table Top for a Toilet

Fetched: January 23rd, 2007, 2:33am PST

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Some of the best ideas come when you're sitting on the john. It's as if opening one end to eliminate the physical, we make more room on the other side for the metaphysical. One might conclude then that the more time you sit on the toilet, the more inspiration you will receive.

Rafik Shaumyan has at last conquered the "shortcomings" of standard facilities with his table top: "A device for providing a working surface while a user is seated on a toilet."

Shaumyan has thoroughly analyzed society's plebian use of the crapper and restored its royal dignity. As he puts it:

"The toilet seat can more rightly be called "the throne" if certain conditions are met above and beyond the simple support and flush provisions. A supply of toilet paper needs to be furnished and at a convenient location or locations, not a marginally accessible location. A supply of reading material from which a selection can be made is usually welcome, and for some an ashtray, cigarettes and matches are needed. Some may prefer to prepare notes such as shopping lists, and these will need pencil and notepaper and backing for the note paper. "

All the convenience fit for a king.

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Pet Operated Ball Thrower

Fetched: January 16th, 2007, 2:54pm PST

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Perhaps the loneliest invention I've seen since the Solo-Operable Seesaw.

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Cucumber Sandwich

Fetched: December 7th, 2006, 7:46pm PST

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Readers keep asking, "Daniel, when are going to comment on the recent McDonald's sandwich patent application?" (1, 2) Well, I hate to say it folks, maybe never. I only tip my hat to true innovations—those deemed patentable by the supreme beings at the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office (the McDonald's applications haven't been approved yet). They know who's been naughty, who's been nice and who deserves a fourteen year limited monopoly.

Like this beauty, the Cucumber Sandwich!

Unlike McDonald's who needed a committee of three to come up with their painfully-smothered-in-a-special-sauce-of-legalese "Method and Apparatus for Making a Sandwich," the Cucumber Sandwich needed just one man, a knife, and a cucumber.

I prefer to celebrate the little guy. McDonald's knows that even bad press is good press. All the attention they've received for their "meat and/or cheese filling" in a "bread cavity" has given them yet another reason to roll around in their pit of plastic balls filled with money at the McExecutive PlayPlace.

I prefer to feature Alexander Stenzel of Pacific Palisades, CA, whose only English-language Google result appears to be in relation to this elegantly crafted raw food masterpiece. I salute Alexander and his unprecented use of a cucumber: It's simple, it's elegant, and it's fashion model-friendly. Mr. Stenzel, you deserve a break today.

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No-Crap Craps: Crapless Craps Done Right

Fetched: November 29th, 2006, 10:35am PST

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Wheel out the guillotine, 'cause this game's getting decrapitated. Merdé she wrote!

Finally, someone's done it right! Let me tell you, crapless craps done wrong, is, well, just plain crappy. I'm not much of a gambling man, but something tells me if you take the crap out of craps, you don't have much left (thanks, high-fiber diet).

Besides having the crappiest name for a patent I've ever seen, I've come to learn that this is the latest in a series of attempts to cut the crap from the popular dice game. "Craps" refers to a losing result (a 2, 3, or 12) on your very first roll of the dice, known as the "come out". As we all know, there's nothing worse than for craps to come out when you're trying to impress your date at the high roller's table.

There have been several attempts to remove this downer moment from the game, all with trademarked names; Crapless Craps, Never Ever Craps, and now, No-Crap Craps. How many ways can you scrap the crap? Now excuse me while I go wash my hands.

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Delivery of Caffeine Through an Inhalation Route

Fetched: October 5th, 2006, 12:50am PDT

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There's nothing quite like the smell of coffee in the morning, but let's face it – we don't drink it for the flavor, we drink it for the caffeine. So why wait for coffee to brew when we can just snort the caffeine directly into our addicted little nostrils? I want to be caffeinated, and I want to be caffeinated NOW!

If you've ever worked in an office building, you've probably noticed how corporations are more that happy to provide their employees with free coffee, tea, cola beverages, etc. – anything with a healthy dose of stimulating jitter juice. This invention puts caffeine into an aerosol. So, productivity manager, why waste valuable office space on a kitchen, when you can just pipe the stuff directly into the climate control system?

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Method and Apparatus of Karaoke Storage on a Wireless Communications Device

Fetched: October 5th, 2006, 12:50am PDT

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Dispatch from the Near Future:
Perhaps it was inevitable. No one could blame us for not seeing it coming, or rather, not hearing it. Nothing like this had ever happened before. One moment we were smiling and singing, the next we were holding our ears to keep in the blood. Sure we all loved the sound of our own voices, but everyone else's... and at the same time? It was too much.

And to think of how scared we were of global warming. No one but cranky old buggers took noise pollution seriously.

And outside the sun still shines and the ice caps are still solid and blue. But those of us who can still hear hide deep down – beneath the bedrock – the one place where the phones don't get reception. The one place where the karaoke does not melt the brain like microwaves through a bowl of instant oatmeal. And here we will remain until the batteries run out or there is no one left to dial.

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Device for the Treatment of Hiccups

Fetched: October 5th, 2006, 12:50am PDT

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Is there any cure for hiccups that is not patently silly? Some people breathe into paper bags, others like a good scare, and the more acrobatically inclined like to drink a glass of while standing on their heads. But the cures get even more extreme as the condition lingers. According to the inventor:

"Hiccups lasting up to 48 hours are classified as 'bouts'. Hiccups lasting longer than 48 hours are called 'persistent.' Those lasting longer than a month are called 'intractable.' "

Hiccups lasting longer than a month! I would call that a living nightmare! At this point sufferers may resort to more extreme measures such as "inducing vomiting, or applying traction on the tongue or pressure on the eyeballs." As always, if all else fails, try poking yourself about the face and see what happens.

Faced with the above options, you can see the incentive to invent something new. This device (which peculiarly looks like a hands-free version of one of those "cup and string" phones) is a metallic cup with one electrode making contact with your cheek and another electrode making contact with the temple. When the cup is full of water and you begin to drink, an electrical circuit is created, thus stimulating the vagus and phrenic nerves and "reliably interrupting the Hiccup Reflexive Arc."

Ions to the rescue!

Check out the official website at Hic-Cups.com
(Thanks, KB)!

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Homunculus Constructed from Common Rubberbands

Fetched: October 5th, 2006, 12:50am PDT

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Fitting squarely in the "Why in the world would anyone seek patent protection on this thing?" camp, is this delightfully odd, rubberband creation. Part Gumby, part Egyptian mummy, the more I look at it the more I am drawn in to its quirky oddness. I was particularly delighted by this definition of "homunculus" I found on Onelook:

"Homunculus (noun): a tiny fully formed individual that (according to the discredited theory of preformation) is supposed to be present in the sperm cell"

Little, rubbery sperm mummies have risen from the gym sock to seek vengeance on their careless masturbating murderers! Now there's a Saturday morning cartoon even the Pope could love! Perhaps it's a good thing this thing has patent protection after all.

Learn the art of Rubb-Origami™ at Rubber Rubberband Man™ website!

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Passenger Control System During a Plane Flying

Fetched: October 5th, 2006, 12:50am PDT

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In these days of airline travel, every passenger is a potential terrorist, and you must sacrifice good dental hygiene to prove you're not. There must be a better solution to airlne safety than confiscating everybody's toothpaste, right? What if the Transportation Security Administration were to give, instead of just taking away? Sounds good, but what if what they gave you was a collar equipped with a biosensor and a syringe?:

"The system is designed in a manner that the emotional conditions of the passengers are detected and, in case of change of such conditions, the plane personnel is informed so as to intervene promptly on the related passenger... the system referred to can deliver to the evil minded person a substance like a narcotic or a strong tranquilizer adapted to neutralize the offensive capability thereof"

Take that, "evil minded person!" But there are positives for the virtuous traveller as well. Now, if your Ambien gets confiscated at the gate, all you need to do is experience an "emotional condition change" and that fourteen hour flight to Tokyo will be over before you know it. Time for me to get to work on my new book, Method Acting for the Business Traveller.

Hey, wait a minute. If stewardesses had the ability to knock everyone in the cabin unconscious, wouldn't that mean that instead of smuggling weapons onboard the plane, terrorists would just have to go to flight attendant school?

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Device for Treating Erectile Dysfunction

Fetched: October 5th, 2006, 12:50am PDT

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A high tech erection machine? Tell me more Mr. Inventor, (aka, Arthur Humphries of Atlanta, Georgia):

"Some of the reports indicate that ejaculation and orgasm three times a week is healthful."

If three times a week is is "healthful", I'm a river of watercress with tofu banks and tahini waterfalls. So how does this high-tech hard-on machine work?:

"Once the user pulls himself into the chamber so that his legs extend out the rear of the chamber and the front wall is located approximately at his waist, he is in a position to begin the mental foreplay that is preferred prior to applying suction to the chamber."

Mental foreplay? I come here for a boner and you want me to play Sudoku?

"This mental foreplay can include stimulating photographs.." Oh, okay, looking at porn counts? Sweet. Wish you had told me before I sealed myself in this box. "... and/or manually manipulating the sexual organ with his hands." Wait, "manual manipulation" counts as "mental foreplay?" Looks like you're covering both your physically- and mentally-challenged demographics. I didn't realize the Americans with Disabilites Act had a Woody clause, but if so, you, sir, have complied.

"Once the user becomes manually stimulated, he depresses a switch with his foot or any other means to turn on the vacuum pump. The vacuum pump creates a negative pressure within the chamber that increases blood flow into the penis that produces an erection."

At last, the only negative pressure in the bedroom won't be, "Do you look fat? Yes, and luckily sex is the best exercise." Alright, what's next?:

"At this point in time, the user can masturbate to obtain an orgasm or if he prefers, he can place a restrictive device such as a rubber band on the penis adjacent the junction of the body so as to hold the penis in an erected position to enable him to complete the sexual activity with a partner."

So you wank, turn on a vacuum, and then just wank again? Or tie off your penis like a piece of balloon sculpture? Perhaps there's something here I'm not getting. Perhaps I am just too young to play with such toys.

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Airborne Enhancement Device

Fetched: October 5th, 2006, 12:50am PDT

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Monique Rebelle of Reno, NV has invented:

"a deployable flying device for producing lift, and providing for an extended flight of a skier or snowboarder or other sports enthusiasts, such as mountain bikers, hikers, water skiers, wake boarders, and the like... also greatly enhances the stability of a skier either being still or being in motion and is recommended for any age and ability group."

Hang time to all, and and to all a good flight!

(It turns out this Ms. Rebelle is also an amazing artist. Check out her website).

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Novelty Potty Chair

Fetched: October 5th, 2006, 12:50am PDT

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And now for a "Very Special Epsiode" of Thomas the Tank Engine...

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Subliminal Recording Device

Fetched: October 5th, 2006, 12:50am PDT

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The bastard love child of Chucky and Teddy Ruxpin? This innocuous teddy bear can be "unnoticeably placed near a child's bed" where it can then impart prerecorded "affirmations, self-hypnotic suggestions, or subliminal instructions" while the child is in "the subconscious state of sleep." It's perfect for the busy-body parent who doesn't have the time for traditional brainwashing methods.

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Sign Indicating Status of Occupant of Cubicle or Office

Fetched: October 5th, 2006, 12:50am PDT

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For an office, okay, but for a cubicle? Cubicles have no doors, no ceilings, and the walls are four feet high! Can you be so emotionally unobservant that you need other people to hang these? If you're not a card carrying member of the Association of Corporate Autistic Midgets, please wait while I change my sign to "Get the Hell Away from Me Unless You've Brought Me Cookies" status.

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